Missing everyone

It's July 16, 2011
It has been so long since I've blogged.
It has been so long I forget what it feels like to not have pain.
It has been so long since I've been on a river.
I miss my river buddies.
I miss Alaska, and the quiet beauty of the northern rivers and all the adventure.
It has been so long since I've seen my friends in Coloma valley.
I miss my Coloma and all the people of the valley.
I was so sad to have had to keep driving and not stop in while traveling north...it just about killed me to not stop and see everyone. I was planning to stay with Tiffany... I'm sorry Tiff I just had to keep going and keep pacing myself north.
Since being in Montana, now my permanent home, I've been wanting to write on the blog but I kept getting blocked by either: rehab, resting, or dealing with nerve pain...it's been difficult for me. Not only for the pain but not wanting to talk about it; either on paper, computer, or telephone. I just find it depressing. And when I communicate with friends and family I want it to be positive. I apologies to my friends for not communicating very well. There have been a few who have been checking in on me: Julie Munger; Sue Norman; Jody Conner; Auntie Darlene; George Armstrong; Kitty Tulga; Enoch Gordon; Mike Turny; Kurt Kaunzinger; Jimmy Katz; Caroline Paul; Gary Rollinson; Mel Riser; Sachi-myProject Walk trainer..... I am grateful for your support and love. Also I am grateful for all the multitude of blessings and prayers from family and friends. And also I want to Thank all those who have continued to contribute to my Rehab-Fund, I am forever grateful.
I have been writing on a yellow note pad onceinawhile and I have included my writing down below. When reading--please don't get me wrong when you see I mentioned my pain more often than not--I want everyone to know that things have been going really well...my nerves are growing!! I have been getting more movement!! and I have ONLY been moving forward...the progress still gives me hope towards walking again...it's just painfully, painfully slow. Come Oct 22, it will be four years since I have been paralyzed.
Lastly, MY TWO ANGELS: Mom and Ro, who have been taking care of me and cheering me on everyday....I am eternally grateful. Mom has been with me every step of the way...helping me with everything imaginable...without her I don't know what I would do. And for Ro, I'm so fortunate to have Ro Fundum...she is so committed to me and very knowledgeable. She's worked as a personal trainer for several years and during that time, for 3 years, she competed in body building. Now tell me how lucky I am!! Ro's incorporated her body building skills toward building nerves! It hard to describe the exercises but she uses: pumps; negatives; 7-up's; ratchets...etc. Ro, my "pain-maker", lives just two properties over and rides her bike over, meeting me at 10am. MWF's. Ro's married to Steve and they have an adorable jack russell dog, Norman (I call him little muscle man). They have a Teaching Taxidermy business www.taxidermy-schools.net/ If you click on "Location", some of Ro's photo's of the Thompson Falls area comes up.
Ooooh GOSH! I am looking out the bedroom window at the cutest thing in the world...there is the most adorable little fawn nursing through it's mom's front legs while mamma is standing over the top of it, cleaning her baby from behind. I am feeling pretty good and the sun is shining. I need to get my butt out side and enjoy the warmth while I can. Smiling blessings, kelley.

Date: June 15. 2011 Since mom and I arrived in Montana, a month has passed--to the date. I've been in so much nerve pain. It has been quite cold. Ro has been working with me.... the combo of work and cold, the nerve pain has been terrible!!!!!!! I have not been comfortable in so long. Ro and I have decide to slow down with rehab and rest more; hopefully I'll start to feel a little better. It is so so unbearable most of the time....I am so sad and depressed. Onward!!!..... I gotta keep going and not give up.
"I am not what happened to me...I am what I choose to become" ~ Carl Jung

Date: June 18, 2011 It's been so cloudy and raining with some sunshine coming through, but still it's 50 degrees....maybe I'll be able to get out and roll around the block with the dogs later this afternoon--if the nerve pain doesn't stop me. Ro just left--we had a nice workout with some nerve growing exercises and stretching and massage....todays exercise is kind of what we call an off day, a day to take it easy, while Mondays and Fridays are bigger days; usually Tues or Thurs are where I could go to the hot springs...maybe tomorrow??...if i feel good enough.
It's spring here: we've had bear come through the property and deer in velvet, mama elk with calves, and of course the mama deer w/ their precious new born fawns with their high speed wobbles and white spots. And on the porch: robins, bats and hornets have all moved in....we call it poo poo porch!! But I love watching them all and listening to the birds sing like crazy. Wilbur is always on point when he's outside and loves it when I can come outside with him. It seems his back legs are starting to go...on those off days when he is stoved-up it makes me sad to see him like that, but in perfect dog fashion--even on his off days he's happy just to lay on the porch or take a ride in my chair. Dogs just do what they gotta do and take things as they come :O)....that's my days.... gotta keep going. Onward!

Date: June 30, 2011 Ro and I have been doing really well. I still have nerve pain that is kicking my butt. I can't say how awful it is....i sometimes don't want to live.......like this for sure. Anyhow,......the sun has been coming out and it's warming up!!!! I do so much better when I'm warm. but yeah, Ro's exercises are paying off and I am improving with my movement and strength!
This afternoon we have a handyman (Royal & Son's Service) out on the property today making noise with the power tools--and I'm needing to take a nap so badly, my pain is not good--it's cute, Royal has his 12 years old son out helping him. They are out making my ramp longer so it's not so steep....So I'm glad they're out here making noise--it also gives me a chance to write. The heating pad on my legs and the space heater no more than 2 feet away and pointing directly at me. The Royals also deliver organic fruit and veggies...we tried it out and liked it, but didn't need the special service since we go to town often getting whatever is needed. Many people around here do what they can to make a living.
The other day a sharp rock was caught up between the tire tread on my Mom's car and flattened the tire, and the young man working at Les Swabs in town came out and changed the tire...it was Nick, one of my Mom's students when she taught 3rd grade. Thompson Falls pop. is around 1,350....so everyone pretty much knows everyone and you are bound to run into someone you know after teaching for 21 years.

Date: July 5, 2011 It's been really hard for me....peddle-to-the-metal between exercise, pain and sleep! -- Wanting to post a blog. I think about all my friends and family everyday. The computer is located in the dining area where found it way too cold for my nerves and the desk too low for my legs to fit under, thus I sit sideways to it... making it too uncomfortable to sit for too long. I've been writing on this yellow note pad from bed; either lying down on my stomach stretching my hip flexors or just leaning against my pillows. I need to get setup with a laptop.
The last week in June, Mom and I went over to Helena (a 4hr drive) to a relatives wedding; staying the night there then driving onto Cardwell, near Butte, to visit my Mom's sister and husband, my aunt Lorrie and uncle Jeff, and my cousins for 3 days. It was a 5 hr drive back home...it was a long trip for me, with all the visiting and driving...I was pooped...But it was fun to see everyone and to get out and do something different.
We've been saving plastic for recycling: wash soap and juice jugs, yogurt cups etc. We'd rinse them out good, but I guess they still have the residue smells...we had a bear on the porch last night....the bag full of plastic was hooked on a nail out the back door...the little flower pots on the porch were negotiated nicely, and he was c r u n c h i n g away making a huge racket...Wilbur barked only once, and Mom and I got up, and there he was on the lawn with his plastic trophies. We chased him off after we got a nice look at him. We're now storing the plastics in the locked shed with the garbage.
We wanted to drive to the Bison range today but my legs are still buzzing from yesterdays workout....I hope I can do something today!! I have so so so much pain all the frigging time!!!!...my pain sucks, and I hate to keep mentioning it all the time; writing it down helps.
I should try and head outside and get some air before I can't move...Mom is going walk to the mail box I think I'll join her.

Date: July Fri, 8, 2011 Mom and I were going to the hot springs today but I was TOO slow getting it together...had too many things to do personally this morning--everything just ended up taking too long. I need to work on my ramp anyway--so if I'm feeling ok I should do that. I want a better landing. We bought a sheet of ply wood yesterday....cramming it into the van resting it on top of my chair...at home we managed to get it out (I should say Mom did) with half of the plywood hanging out the van resting on the ground, then I drove away. It would be handy to have a big-boy around or a bigger mom (she is a peanut--only 4'11''); it's just frustrating to not be able to do things I once could. But we manage.
aahh... there are two bucks in the yard; they're in velvet....both 3 pointers....they are beautiful...just walking around not fearing at all. On the fourth of July, there were so many gun shots, firer cracker blasts, and one guy was shooting off a cannon!! ....all the critters were in hiding.